| I suppose It'll get better | ||||
| 11:40pm 10/10/2004 | ||||
Senior year is supposed to be the best and right now, quite simply, its not. Granted, once college apps are out it'll most likely get better but college isn't really the issue right now. I think the problem is I'm really horribly lonely. I've had so many things to do and so much stuff to occupy myself with but whenever I have a moment to myself most the time I nearly end up in tears. And it doesn't bother me that no one likes me or that I have no friends or that I'm a loser because I'm not. It bothers me because I don't have anyone to love. I don't need everyone to love me or pay attention to me, I just want one person to focus on, to look forward to being with, someone that can take my mind off of everything else that's going on in my life. And it sucks that craig and I were essentially forced to break up because I don't think either of us wanted to or were ready to just drop those feelings and start anew. And it doesn't help that my best friend basically revolves her free time around seeing her girlfriend. And that david always works, and that all my other friends always have someone else to hang out with so when it comes to friday night, my only choice is to follow jess around or go home and get yelled at by mommy. I just wonder what happened to all the people I used to hang out with. I feel that I used to have so many friends and now I have MAYBE five. I dunno. I suppose its no ones fault but my own, but it still doesn't change the fact that I'm lonely. |
||||
lonely| sort of an odd peek into my own psyche | |||
| 09:10pm 20/06/2004 | |||
|
their screams echoed in their cavernous hell none made a dent, the walls never fell the guard of the cell patrolled night and day should any escape, there'd be hell to pay anger never stopped yelling in vain he had to get out of this cursed domain he'd scream and shout for want of salvation sadness looked on with strong admiration for he had no strength but to cry in the corner no freedom was to find this lonely mourner he longed to be noticed and treated with care the guard would never have kindness to spare sensitivity lurked in the shadows, quiet and cold unseen to the eye, she did as was told she never spoke out, defenseless prey the guard seemed content to see her this way for the guard wanted these emotions erased nasty feelings like those could not be embraced he could survive with that smile of steel it never wavered once, it couldn't be real outside of the cage sat contentment and pride the smirks on their faces couldn't have lied each inmate's scream fed the pair's need to control every last part of the guards mortal soul they held him in place like a puppet on twine their commands absolute, their words, divine the guard was hostage to false self esteem natural instinct surpressed by the regime but one day the bars will crack, the bolts will shatter that damned cage will break and its captives will scatter the guard will be free to feel his own heart but the rabid emotions will rip him apart |
|||
| The Clock hasn't Stopped | |||
| 12:35am 24/04/2004 | |||
|
What do you do, when time is up? do you lay down your pencil... or do you scramble to fit in your last few important words? as the minutes, hours, days, weeks, months roll by, as the end creeps up behind us, ready to pounce do I gradually let go? or do I hold on tight until the very last second? Even when the timer beeps, the bells chime, the buzzer rings, I must always remember that the clock never really stops Eh, one of my rare pathetic attempts at poetry. Tell me what you think honestly. I'd appreciate criticism. <3 alyssa <3 |
|||
| 10:46pm 22/04/2004 | |||
|
I wish I could say, "no matter what, I still love my mom." ...but how can you love the only person that makes you truly unhappy? |
|||
| Rain, rain, go away, and don't fucking come back for a while! | ||||
| 10:47pm 14/04/2004 | ||||
I find driving to be more restricting than anything. Not restricting in the sense of location, but restricting in the sense that so many rules apply. You have to signal here, stop there, go slow here and speed up there. You have to worry about pedestrians, stop signs, other cars, the people in your car, and mostly you have to worry about yourself. There's nothing carefree about driving. Sure, you can go far relatively quickly, but that's about it. Its a mode of transportation and nothing more. The thing I find most unnerving about driving, is that, yes, you're moving, but you're still sitting down. Its not activity, its mindless. I like to feel my foot pounding against the pavement. I love the burning feeling in my thighs from boarding all around town. I love carving down hills on a warm night, with nothing to worry about but the ever prominent possibility of getting thrown off my board for some reason. This weather - persistent rain - is driving me nutty. I can't stand being cooped up inside for so long. Sure, I can drive wherever I want, but to me, being in a car is still being inside. I want to be out in the fresh air. I want to lie in the grass, I want to look for four leaf clovers and bask in the gentle spring sun. I want to have picnics and play on playgrounds. But that will come soon enough, I just have to be patient. |
||||
restless| Ah, we meet again. | |||
| 06:43pm 14/04/2004 | |||
|
I have a problem, I admit it. I'm a manga junkie. I just can't get enough of it. And lets face it... books without pictures... just aren't as much fun! I save my manga books, to read during bosto's class. I gave up doing anything in that class after the first marking period, I think. In other news, shit went down this week. Jess and I both recieved those darling little pink slips tuesday morning, and were sentenced to 4 morning detentions for signing out of option time and not coming back with a pass. In actuality, we left school to get ice cream, but they don't have to know that. And to make matters worse, Sneyers of all teachers, caught us leaving for lunch. But, on a happy note, everything up until this week was dandy! My birthday, and prom, went fabulously. I had a lovely time, and I hope junior prom is just as nice. I ordered a new longboard and I can't WAIT till it comes. I passed my drivers test and got my liscense. I'd like to say a bit about the weather, but I feel like that deserves its own entry, rather than just being stuck at the bottom at this shitty entry. I really do hate just listing the events in my life, but when you're lost for any other words, I figure I might as well get something out. |
|||
| "I love you more than I did the week before I discovered alcohol" Barenaked Ladies | ||||
| 10:25pm 22/03/2004 | ||||
Alcohol is a completely different experience from weed. As Craig once accurately described it, "It basically takes your current mood and amplifies it. If you're happy, you're ecstatic. If you're sad, you're depressed." Whereas, weed puts you in a different state of mind. You're forgetful, often paranoid, and very detatched. Granted, it helps to put off your emotions, and it generally does not have any devastating after effects, but when you're sufficiently drunk, everyone is your friend. And when you're in a place that you're comfortable, with friends, being drunk is amazingly fun. But when I've been stoned around other people, often enough it can impede upon my happiness, for the very reason that it makes it difficult to carry out even one conversation without feeling that you're missing something. I'm still not completely sure where my tolerance lies, but I make sure to stop drinking well before I'm to the point of puking. To be honest, I don't really want to find where my tolerance lies. In the past, I've had just around 4 drinks (4 beers, 4 shots, etc) and that seems to render me happily drunk. Yeah, that's not much, but hey - I weigh 100 pounds. For all of you tight-asses out there that might chance upon this entry, I'd like to say this. Drinking, beer especially, does NOT mean you have to get trashed. Nor does it mean that once you're drunk you're automatically making a fool of yourself. Being at a "drinking party" isn't a "sin", and it doesn't immediately loosen your morals. If you don't intend on getting piss-ass drunk, then just don't. No one will bother you if you set limitations for yourself. Anyway, on to my life. I've been so busy lately I feel that I haven't had time to just relax in months. I haven't slept late on a weekend since before Man of La Mancha. And I still haven't. And on the list of my priorites, writing in this god forsaken journal is extraordinarily low. The people I'm close to already know what's going on in my life, so there's really no need to document my day period by period, because most of it is spent reading japanese manga anyhow. Inherit the Wind went fabulously, everyone who saw it loved it. Thursday night my chair was placed to close to the edge of the stage and I fell off, but I recovered quickly enough and nothing else went wrong. Saturday night was awesome, I've probably already told you why. Despite the only moderately enjoyable rehearsal process, I'm definitely going to miss it. I love having things to do after school, even if it is the rehearsing the same scene I've heard 30 times already. After all, hearing Cameron bitch and lecture is not nearly as annoying as anything that comes out of the mouth of my mother. Prom's coming up, along with my birthday, and they just happen to coincide. My dress is georgeous, but my mom keeps on nagging me for spending a whopping $135 on it. "Why didn't we go to LOEHMANS? Look! Their dresses are all $50 to $80. You still have time to get a different one." Well, fuck her. As far as my birthday goes, I can't really think of anything I want, other than my life to continue to be enjoyable. A new longboard from my parents, maybe, but that's a stretch. God forbid they spend $150 on something I like. Well honestly, if it was up to my dad, he'd probably get it for me, but my mom has the ultimate say on basically everything. I don't really care about presents from anyone. Just lots of hugs and kisses. Lots of them. Maybe some funny cards that I can put in my locker. After all, "all you need is love." <3 Alyssa |
||||
hopeful| Surpressed, but not forgotten | ||||
| 02:18am 19/02/2004 | ||||
I can't fight with people. Because of that underlying fear of fighting, If I ever even get close to a real argument with anyone, I'll just be compelled to cry. There have been countless times that I've gotten close to yelling with my mom and I'll just start crying because I can't fight with her. I'm afraid of what I'll say, that I'll get caught up in anger. But now I see this irrational fear creeping into the way I deal with other emotions. Or, you could say, the way I don't deal with them. I've resigned to surpressing almost everything but happiness, or contentment. If I'm upset, I don't deal with it, I push it away and immediately find something to be happy about. I can't tell someone that I'm mad at them. I've lost the ability to express serious dissastifaction with someone, something, anything, when I think that it might impede upon my relationships with people. Because I've made such an effort to never be like my parents, I just feel like a fucking pushover sometimes. Like, I want to yell, to scream, to complain till my throat goes sore, but I know it will never accomplish anything. So I push it away. But then there's the other side of the spectrum which I shy away from as well... expressing love. "I love you" is a phrase that is so often misused, abused, and taken for granted. The only times when I know I mean it, are the times when I can't say it. But I never forget any of the anger, resentment, sadness, love. I just let it sit in my unconciousness, brewing untill it surfaces again, only to be pushed away for another time. It works, for now. I'm happy... or deliberately oblivious, at the very least. I just have to find the happy medium between supressing emotions, and being over emotional. Until then, bear with me. -Alyssa- |
||||
| Renee said my journal sucks... | ||||
| 09:22pm 29/01/2004 | ||||
The play opens in a week, but it hasn't hit me yet. To be honest, I'm not really feeling into the drama scene this year. Man of La Mancha hasn't really come together until the week before the show, and once we start having fun, it'll be all over. Inherit the Wind is just one of those shows... that isn't fun to do. At all. Rehearsals are tedious, boring, and yet again, there's a distinct lack on intimacy. I've got nothing interesting to say about school either. Each day I go through the motions; late to choma's class, snore through McCrary, gossip through art, pass notes through english, contemplate suicide through spanish, then gym, play mario through physics, then my day is basically over. Play practice ensues, I go home, sit at the computer for several hours, do my homework last minute, and go to sleep. The days pass unremarkably, and suddenly we're halfway through the year. I suppose it doesn't help that my weekends suck almost as much as the weeks. Fridays I have to beg people to hang out with me, or fit me into their schedule, considering its the only day I'm free. I've been working saturday's since the summer, yet people don't seem to remember this. Saturday mornings, my mom rarely lets me sleep late, then I have to go to work, till ten which KILLS my night. Then, I've got hebrew high on sundays which interrupts my sleep. No one does anything sundays anyhow, and that's my weekend. But its Fridays that really tend to be the most disheartening. When I try to make plans, they always magically fall through. I hear people talking of plans they've got and I either uncomfortably invite myself or wait till 9 oclock that night and pray for someone to still be home. There isn't any feeling much worse than waiting for a call that you'll never get. Maybe it's my fault? But then I wonder, what am I doing wrong? Because I've got NO fucking clue. I'd love to quit my job but I need the cash. The only people I see consistently are Jess and David, because Jess's house is the only place to go, that isn't my house, and Jess is the only person that doesn't have more interesting people to be with all the time. And David's always there. Everyone else just has better things to do, I suppose. The last picture I photoshoped really struck me in a weird way. I didn't really understand why I liked it so much at first. But I realized that it sort of speaks for my subconcious. Don't take it literally of course, the angry expression on the guy was sort of an accident. (I'm not looking to get raped here, people) But just the closeness between the two, the unspoken intimacy, that makes the wrong (or shall we say, less cheerful) feelings bubble to the surface. The problem isn't that I'm not the most popular person in the school, the problem isn't that I'm not waited on hand and foot. I suppose I just wish that on occasion, people would say "hey, you wanna hang out with me today? tommorow? soon?" I don't want to force my companionship down people's throats, but I feel like I'm doing that. -Alyssa- |
||||
disappointed| "Dorothy's other nightmare." | |||
| 06:55pm 25/01/2004 | |||
Oh man... the cheesy titles are endless! Anyway, here's the shadowed pic. I rather like it better. |
|||
| "There's no place like home" | ||||
| 02:13pm 25/01/2004 | ||||
Ooops. Forgot to do the girl's hair scrunchie. Fixed. And now I'm doing shading... that might take a while  |
||||
accomplished| I always get sick at the most inopportune moments. | |||
| 05:29pm 23/01/2004 | |||
|
Last year I got the flu, the morning of the Model Un trip. And now I get some sort of stomache virus on the day of my spanish midterm, and the day BEFORE I'm supposed to take the SAT's. Awesome! I am working on a new picture, however... I will post it as soon as I'm done. :D nauseously yours, Alyssa |
|||
| Happy 2004! | |||
| 01:59am 01/01/2004 | |||
|
Best New Years ever. Thank you all. <3alyssa<3 |
|||
| Why do I waste my time? | ||||
| 06:08pm 25/12/2003 | ||||
Well fuck that. Next time you think your life sucks, don't expect me to care. Lots of Love! Alyssa |
||||
apathetic| Quotes you probably won't understand. | |||
| 09:42pm 16/12/2003 | |||
|
Dedicated to los miguervos "No, you douchebag, we're smoking out of a pipe." "Screw you and your acne." Private Nancy "Hey...what's up, BUTTS!?" "Fuck American Cancer Society, I'll gift my own wrap." "Do you think I could get my cinnabon warmed up?" "Not unless you want the women's penitentiary special all over the top of your cinnabon." |
|||
| Somebody stop me before I break something. | ||||
| 08:31pm 09/12/2003 | ||||
I thought that this year I finally would get a chance to enjoy the play. I thought that maybe I'd even get a lead this year, after two years of agonizing musicals. I thought it would AT LEAST be better than last year. Seems I was wrong. To start off, my "part" has no lines. Not a single speaking line. A decline from my what... 5 lines last year? I'm "Fermina, a serving girl" Bascially my purpose is to serve drinks in a bar and get raped. WELL ISN'T THAT FUN!!???!!! And to top that all off, today was the first day of dance, for the muscial. Apparently there is a scene with a gypsy dance. So all the girls tried out for that. I did my thing, I danced, and I danced well. There were spots for one main gypsy and four other gypsies. They kept on making me and a few others dance until the very end, and I figured I'd at least got something right? At the very last minute they tell me to go off to the side and they watch five others still do the dance. Then they announce that those five were the gypsies. So not only did I not get lead gypsy, but I got nothing. My last chance of having anything important in this play ruined. But that's not the worst part. As I was leaving, Rich, the dance director whispered to me, "You danced better than anyone else. But you don't have that gypsy/arabian look, you know. You look too... Irish. Sometimes it just happens that way." What I'd like to know is how Courtney Carbone, Jackie Goldstein, and Cait Galatro look more arabian than me? Fucking directors piss me off. And my last hope of this year, Nights of Drama is already a seemingly doomed endeavor. Thanks to Michelle Dana, my favorite person ever, I've got no chance at the one main girl part. Sure, Cameron says he's casting it unisex but the most important male roles are not going to be cast unisex, I'm sure of that. So either way I'll end up someone's unimportant wife, or some unimportant male role. Someone please fastforward through this year before I go on a murderous rampage? Please!? PRETTY PLEASE WITH A GODDAMNED CHERRY ON TOP!!!??? alyssa |
||||
pissed off| Double-you Tee Eff? | ||||
| 10:33pm 30/11/2003 | ||||
And then a few days ago it hit me like a punch in the face. The majority of friendships are based on need. Not necessarily material need, but usually its emotional need. You need a friend? You need someone to complain to, when all your other friends are being dicks? Well find someone and stick to him or her for a few weeks, and bam! You've got yourself a new best friend. But then when you are cool with your old friends again, or you find a new, better set of friends, well then its bye bye "best friend." Or lets say you're just lonely in general, and there's this other person that's lonely as well. You will naturally pick each other out because you share a common problem: lack of friends. You cry together, you complain together, you do everything together, because you've got no one else. It doesn't really matter whether you like each other or not. As long as you have that lingering loneliness, you'll stick to each other. But what happens when one of you finds a new friend? Well then its bye bye, once more. If you're both not lonely then well, your friendship is over. What saddens me the most is that so many of my past and possibly current friendships have been based on this similar premise. 8th grade was a big year of these "friendships" so to speak. Jayme, Cameron, even Lily, Elise, and Danielle fall into this category to a certain extent. I liked Jayme at first, and she liked me as well, BUT we didn't become close until everyone dropped her, thanks to her pathological lying tendencies. Concurrent to Jayme fucking my entire social life up, Missy (my best friend at the time) became best friends with Ryan McCarthy. That was the beginning of that dreaded drifting apart business. I saw that we weren't as close any more, and I clung to Jayme, out of need. And then when Jayme no longer came to school, Cameron came into the picture. Cameron and I were incredibly close for several months. We had sleepovers almost every weekend. I told her everything, she told me everything. Of course, that was only because everything else about my social life was messed up to the max. Once things started to straighten themselves out, Cameron and I lost interest in each other for the most part. Its funny to imagine that I was so close with her at one brief point in time, when I never talk to her now. At the same time that Cameron got to be better friends with Missy and other girls, I moved on to a newer, more exotic group of friends, but our relationship was no less shallow. Now, I'm not saying I didn't like them. I had a lot of fun when I was with them but I was always the odd one out. I was always the one to ask "who are you talking about? What's going on? Where are we going? Who's that? Etc." And it got to me eventually. But since there was really no one else I could be friends with, I stuck with them. And well, I'll give them a lot of credit, because they really did "take me in" I suppose, when I had no one else. But it wasn't going to last long and I knew it. The point is, all of those people I mentioned, I was friends with because I had no one else. I was desperate. But all the time, I see the same thing happening to me, except opposite. I'm the person that is befriended only out of necessity. Or, the person stops caring about me because they don't really need to anymore. I see shadows of this happening with Renee lately, whether she realizes it or not. Maybe I'm reacting badly, or maybe I'm right. Who knows? Point is, I'm one of the few or only(?) person that has been friends with her since elementary school, and still is to this day. No matter how much she thinks I hate her or how much I make fun of her, I still do appreciate her friendship And when I see her making all these new friends and then not even talking to me anymore, as if my presence doesn't really matter anymore, I feel that she's trying to turn the tables around and make me feel like the loser, for once. Don't get me wrong, I'm not jealous. I've got my own friends but it bothers me because I've been friends with her longer than any of these new "fantastic people."And it scares me that because she doesn't need me as a friend anymore because she's actually got other, real friends, I'm just unimportant, unnecessary, irrelevant. And I've done that to her I guess, but that was when I was in that trying to fit in stage - The critical 8th/9th grade predicament. At any rate, it's a shitty feeling on the whole, to realize that you aren't needed. It's almost the same way when Jess has a boyfriend. Which is almost all the time. When she's got a boyfriend to spend almost all her time with, why make time for me or anyone else you know? Unless, that time can ALSO be spent making out with her boyfriend. I haven't hung out with Jess in over a month or two maybe, because I'm either away somewhere, hanging out with Craig, or she's hanging out with Andy. And on those rare occasions when I'm actually around to hang out with my friends, like Tom, Dan and David and Matt and such, She's never there, to my dismay. Even on Halloween, when I would have liked to spend time with her, she was drinking with Andy and I wasn't even going to attempt to keep track of them because I was stoned out of my mind. When I evaluate almost every friendship I've had, I can come up with only very select number of people that have stuck with me, even when they haven't needed to. And not because I've gotten in fights with them, or that we didn't get along, but because they just didn't get bored of me. (I've never had a falling out fight with anyone. And I very rarely fight with... anyone.) Or they stayed friends with me even if they had better ones or something. I don't know whether its my fault or theirs.. Maybe I'm just a shitty friend or I smell bad or something that I'm definitely not aware of. Honestly I don't even care.... I'm not trying for anyone. So that fills my depressing rant quota until 2004 I think. Not even depressing, so much as it was just on my mind and I wanted to get it out before I completely forgot about it. |
||||
thoughtful| All up in my grill! | ||||
| 10:15pm 26/11/2003 | ||||
I don't want to fight with my mom. I avoid it at all costs, mostly. Even if it involves lying to my mom when I don't necessarily have to. The prospect of asking my mom if I can do something is scary enough. I could have easily burst out screaming at her, just now, as she was in my room, nitpicking at me for every little single thing that she found wrong with my not-clean-enough room. But I just stood there, shoving my frustration back down my throat. Retaliation only makes matters worse. I can't even count how many times I've gotten in even MORE trouble for yelling at her. You see, she has "sensitive hearing" so while her own shrill, ear piercing voice doesn't seem to bother her, my yelling seems to be excruciating to her. And that causes problems. Because she makes me so frustrated. I either don't get a word in edgewise because I'm too buisy surpressing my anger, or I get so frustrated to the point that I can't help but burst into tears. And when that happens she yells at me for being immature or getting over emotional, or whatnot. Its a vicious cycle, fighting with my mom. If I try to ignore her, she gets mad that I'm not listening, and then she comes back again and again until I finally DO snap and then she gets even further angered by the fact that I actually yelled back. And if I do restrain myself enough not to yell, usually I can't help but make horribly sarcastic comments, which pushes her to yell at me more for having a bad attitude about serious matters. And it never ends until I satisfy her standards, which tend to be increasingly higher. They rise inversely proportional to my opinion of her. The more she yells, the less her words have effect on me, until I reach the point of complete apathy. Nothing she says matters to me, unless she happens to find something positive to motivate me. But my mom's not that smart, or that rational. It's so much easier to resort to negative punishment, but as ANYONE will say, its almost entirely ineffectual, especially for teenagers. They've already surpassed the point at which that mother child connection has any real importance. The more a parent tries to negatively control their teen, the more the teen resents them. And the more the teen resents the parent, the more the parent tries to control. Its that vicious cycle again. Which concludes my rant. I hate complaining but when I'm pissed off to the point that I'm on the brink of tears, the only way I'm going to calm down is by longboarding or writing a journal entry. Nothing else helps, really. So I think I'm going to go longboarding a bit. Fresh air helps. |
||||
frustrated| Maybe I'm missing something here? | ||||
| 07:23pm 13/11/2003 | ||||
I'm not a serious person, and people know that. If I can find a joke in anything I'll take advantage of it. Also, I'm not a sentimental person. If something serious bothers you then sure, I'll understand. But if you've got some stupid problem or woe that I don't think is really that important, I'm going to make fun of you to the best of my ability. Be sure of that. If the guy you like doesn't like you... I don't care. If you got a B+ instead of an A-, I don't care. If you are grounded for the weekend because you did something stupid that could easily have been prevented on your part, I STILL DON'T CARE. However, If your boyfriend/girlfriend of several months breaks up with you, I will be sympathetic because I know how it feels to be hurt by the opposite sex. If you failed even though you tried your hardest, I will try to cheer you up. If you parents are unreasonable and punish you for something rediculous then I can surely feel your pain because well.... you know my mom. But If your problem isn't really a problem, then don't come crying to me. Also, If theres anything I hate its people giving me guilt trips that I don't deserve. "Why didn't you invite me?!" "I didn't invite anyone. You just had to be there." or "I promised (so and so) I'd hang out with them today, sorry" "NO, its FINE! Go hang out with your BETTER FRIEND" Look. If you're going to be an ass about what I do with MY time then I'm going to tell you flat out, you're not going to score any points with me. But its people that blame their own personality flaws on other people that really bother me. "Are these really my friends? You're supposed to be AT EASE with friends, it's not supposed to be excruciating!...I probably even have a better time talking to Ryan McCarthy and Kerre than I do when i'm subjected to the countless dismissals I suffer at the hands of my friends." said someone (for the sake of their sanity they shall remain nameless here). Well I have some good news! People that aren't your friends won't diss you to your face! They'll wait till you are gone and then make fun of you mercilessly. Or when someone does something horribly annoying ALL the time and people make fun of them to me all the time for it, and then I do that ONCE and that person refuses to leave me alone about it for days. As if they've never done that before. CHUH! I'm not saying that true friends insult you to your face. No, I'm saying that friends usually feel that they CAN make fun of you without getting BITCHED at and cried at. Its very rarely that I sincerely make fun of people in hopes of hurting them, and thats only with people that I very conspicuously dislike. I'm an extraordinarily tolerant person when it comes to my personal feelings about someone. If someone tells me a rumor about someone I'm close to, I won't jump to conclusions. When someone does something that annoys or bothers me I will rarely let it bother me. But when someone expects me to feel bad for them and then gets mad at me when I don't, because I don't deem their problem serious enough? That's pushing it too far. If I don't give a fuck, that's it. I don't give a fuck, you're only going to make me even more pissed off by trying to make me feel bad for you. But still, I don't get pissed off. I don't want to be pissed off. So I stay indifferent. So If I seem to be cold, heartless and unfeeling, its probably because I am. And to tell you the truth, I'm pretty happy this way. I don't want to know your problems, and in turn, I'll spare you from mine. I just want to be friends with people. That's all! I just want to beable to joke around with my friends, and well, if you can't handle me making fun of you then well, maybe you should lighten up a bit. Or find a different friend because I'm not going to inconvenience myself for people that cry at me for stupid things. There are several reasons why its difficult for me to be very close friends with most girls. A) They almost all the time feel the need to hear all my secrets. Or tell me theirs. Okay you can tell me your secrets but I really don't want to tell you mine, and I have no obligation to. KNOW THAT. B) They always seem to need to talk about people...or just talk in general. I hate talking on the phone and I refuse to do it. C) They take things so SERIOUSLY and PERSONALLY! Jesus fuck if I make fun of you, chances are that I do actually like you. So get off my back and stop complaining. Love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11!!!!one! Alyssa "Stupid nicknames that no one understands are st00pid" Winter |
||||
confused| I'm having too much fun with photoshop. | |||
| 07:02pm 10/11/2003 | |||
|
Here's the same picture as yesterday's, except with shadows. Also, for those of you that like bare chested cartoon chicks, I drew this for Dan today, and I figured I'd share it with you also. But I'll give you a link instead just for those that don't like to stare at boobs all the time. http://www.imgmag.net/images/wolfchicke  |
|||
|
chinpokomaster |
||
|
Friends Info Calendar |
||
| skip | ||
| Backward | ||